


Gone

by Julia_Danse



Series: The Knight and the Paladin - A series of Oneshots [26]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Anxiety, Bloatflies, Blood bugs, Boston Mayoral Shelter, Confessions, Deatchclaw, Depression, Emotions, F/M, Feelings, Friendship, Greater Mass Blood Clinic, Happy end?, Love, MacCready grew a pair LOL, Morals, Red Rocket Trcuk Stop, Synths, Thoughts of Suicide, Tried Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:46:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23195734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_Danse/pseuds/Julia_Danse
Summary: Where a Knight runs away a Paladin has to follow her.Where a young mercenary became a friend.Where a dog did one hell of a trail search (Kellogg was a sad joke against this!)
Relationships: Paladin Danse/Female Sole Survivor
Series: The Knight and the Paladin - A series of Oneshots [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1381480
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Includes thougths of suicide, depression, anxiety and self-hatred.

_She‘s gone.  
  
She left without a word or a trace on where she had gone to. Fuck... What am I going to say to Elder Maxson..?  
  
_Danse‘s thoughts are circling, spinning in his head, making him feel dizzy while on guard duty. He lets out a sigh and sits down, his head in his hands, tucking at his hair. „FUCK!“, he shouts into the cold night.  
  
___  
  
Of course, Maxson knew that she was leaving. When Danse went to tell the Elder that his protegé left the Brotherhood, the young man just nodded. She came to him, asking for his permission to take leave and he agreed. He saw the pain in her eyes, the sadness behind the deep blue color. Her eyes looked like the stormy sea when she approached him. She collapsed crying; Arthur had to step forward and catch her in his arms while her body was shaken by hard sobs. She held on to him for a long while trying to compose herself again. Arthur was no monster or a cold-hearted man, and he patiently took care of her, rubbing small circles on her back, trying to comfort her even by telling her that it was okay to take time for herself. Didn‘t he know it all too well, especially after Sarah‘s death, that it was necessary to get a clear mind again. Knight Kay returned his brotherly embrace, hugging him a little too hard. _Damn that_ _woman_ _is strong_ , he thought while trying not to flinch too much. After she had calmed down enough to let him go she took a step back, wiping her face and then even _apologized_ for that embarrassing display of emotions. Arthur only smiled and waved a dismissive hand. „No need to apologize.“, he had said. Knight Kay sniffed once before she thanked him and saluted her Elder. He felt a pang in his chest as she walked away, knowing that this was the last time seeing her for a long while. _A remarkable soldier... and an even stronger woman._  
  
The Paladin grew restless quickly. Being in the field without his Knight was so completely different. No one there to tell him jokes, sharing Fancy Lads Snack Cakes with him, or just enjoying the silence together. Elder Maxson granted him to go to the Cambridge Police Station without a word of disregard. The whole Prydwen was annoyed by Danse, and the pile of complaints about it grew more and more each day the Paladin was on board. At least the Prydwen was able to go back to normal again...  
  
Scribe Haylen greeted him with a sad smile; of course, she had heard about the disappearing of Knight Kay too. Danse was aware that only he and Haylen, and maybe others, he wasn‘t sure of that, were sad about it. Although Knight Rhys welcomed the cleansing missions of Knight Kay, he still hated her with all his guts and no one knew exactly why. So it was Danse‘s duty to do the piled up work. He now finally understood what his Knight meant with _„Rhys is a lazy ass who lets other_ _s_ _do his dirty work.“_ The police station was well manned so he could have gone and cleared out infested places himself, with backup of course. But he never did, nor did he move an inch outside the compound. He should reprimand the male knight after he came back from his current mission.  
  
Getting used to being alone again wasn‘t as easy as Danse wished; his thoughts kept circling around Kathryn. _Why did she leave him and the Brotherhood? Why didn‘t she tell him what was wrong? Why didn‘t she say goodbye?_ Lost in his thoughts he almost got shot by a super mutant. He shook his head to clear his mind and kept pressing. When the last green skin laid dead before him he took a deep breath and sighed out. It would take hours to go back to the police station and the sun was already setting. At least he wasn‘t far from Diamond City, he could go and see if she was at Homeplate. His heart did a little jump at this tiny shimmer of hope to see her again. Danse marched on, killing everything that crossed his path of clearance.  
  
After he arrived in the _Great Green Jewel of the Commonwealth_ he went down the stairs, aiming for the power armor station outside of Homeplate. He parked his suit and went to knock at the door; he called for her but no one opened. His heart sank, just like the corners of his mouth. He tried it at the Dugout Inn, but she wasn‘t there either and she never gave him a key to her home away from the Brotherhood and her other home at the Red Rocket Truck Stop. It was as loud as always when he entered the bar, Vadim telling another of his unbelievable stories; So he opted for his quieter brother Yefim to rent a room. Ten caps per night weren‘t too much, but for a place like the Inn, it was a bit over the top. Although the rooms were in another corridor, the noise from the bar area flew over and it was hard to find sleep at night. Danse looked around the small room. Only a dim light shone in the dark room, a bed standing in one of the corners, a drawer next to it, and at the opposite wall was a sink with a mirror. At least he had a roof over his head in case a storm would come in.  
  
The loud laughter of Vadim echoed through the whole bar. The paladin laid in his bed, thinking about the last months and what had happened at that time. Of course, Far Harbor took its toll on Kathryn. But Danse believed that talking about it helped her. And they talked, like, a lot. Active duty was undoable at that time, even Cade was there for consolation and counseling. The Knight-Captain noted everything Kathryn had told him, her concerns, physical and mental health. He also wrote down his concerns about her well-being into his report to the elder. It was no wonder that he‘d agreed her leave. Danse closed his eyes, somehow managing to catch some sleep before returning to his old squad members. He‘d lectured Knight Rhys for his laziness and ordered him to do the cleansing himself in the future. The paladin never thought he would roll his eyes because of one of his subordinates. He could hear Scribe Haylen snigger behind his back and how she whispered to herself _„Kathryn would be so proud right now.“_  
  
Kathryn...  
  
___  
  
Med-Tek Research laid before her, a place crawling with hordes of feral ghouls. She had a reason to be here. And that reason was wearing an old duster over green gunner clothing, a hat on his head, and had the reputation of being the best shot in the Commonwealth.  
  
It was by accident that Kathryn crossed paths with MacCready again. It was awkward first, but soon they shared a hug and smiles and talked much about the time that had passed and everything in-between. It didn‘t take MacCready long to tell Kathryn about Duncan and that the kid was sick. She insisted to help him and before he was able to argue they were killing the ferals around the parking lot. After the last ghoul dropped dead the duo headed into the building. It was a hard fight to get to the sublevels, but in the end, it was worth it. Ferals over ferals crept in the medical facility, soon with bullets in their heads and finally resting forever. Although Kathryn knew that those ghouls were once people, she also knew that there was nothing left of their brains to remember who or what they were in a previous life; Kathryn knew she‘d put them out of their misery by killing them. She said it was a display of mercy to grant those poor creatures the eternal sleep.  
  
She and MacCready came to a room that had a green glow inside it. „Be careful“, she had said to the young mercenary „I bet my ass that there‘s a glowing one inside.“ Oh boy was she right. Glowing Ones had the ability to cure their fellow ferals while they set free a cloud of radiation that caused harm to human beings. The Geiger counter on her Pip Boy cracked to life as the wave of rads his her. She swore under her breath as she felt how her skin was heating up. Kathryn held up her highly modified plasma rifle she called _Protector_ and aimed it at the glowing creature in front of her. Inhale, aim, exhale, pull the trigger. The ghoul‘s head exploded with a loud splash and covered its surroundings in green irradiated blood. The duo was searching the room, checking every fridge and every shelf until Kathryn discovered a small red canister. „Hey MacCready“, she called out to him, „I think I found it.“ She held the canister up, the word ‚Prevent‘ written on it. „That‘s it. We really did it!“, MacCready cried out in joy. He looked at her with the biggest smile she ever saw on his face. „Let‘s get it to Daisy, she‘ll make sure the cure get‘s to Duncan in time.“  
  
The sun was still up when Kathryn and MacCready left Med-Tek to march to Goodneighbor. They laughed and cheered at each other. Time flew and so did their steps as they closed in to the bright shining neon lights in front of the town. They opened the gate into town and MacCready said “Ugh. Nothing says welcome like the stench of urine-soaked garbage...” Kathryn looked at him and laughed. “Yeah, you’re damn right!”, she said while wiping away a stray tear. They went to Daisy to tell her the good news. The ghoul was relieved and happy that MacCready finally was able to give his son a fighting chance and promised him that the cure would get to him in no time. Then they walked down to the Third Rail to celebrate their victory. Magnolia welcomed them with her song _‘I’m the one you’re looking for’_ and waved at them while singing on her little stage. They waved back at her, ordered their drinks from Whitechapel Charlie, and went straight to the VIP room. It was quiet in there, only Magnolia’s music was audible and they both sat down at a couch. Kathryn and MacCready cheered at each other with clinking bottles.  
  
“So tell me, how’s it going?”, MacCready asked her. She sighed and slumped into the cushion.  
“Not good to be honest...” The young man looked at the woman in front of him and frowned.  
“Why didn’t you tell me before we headed to Med-Tek?”  
“Because I wanted to help you. To do something I knew was right. Because I _needed_ to do something!”  
  
Kathryn held her head in her hands and began to cry. “Oh angel, what happened?”, asked MacCready as he gently patted her on her back. She told him everything about Far Harbor and how it pained her to do something that went against her morals.  
  
“I left the Brotherhood.”, she sniffed.  
“What? But what about that friend of yours, Danse was his name?” _How could he forget that..._  
“I didn’t tell him that I left. Elder Maxson knows and I’m sure he told Danse. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to him.”  
“Why not?” It was a question Kathryn never thought MacCready would ask. Especially after their ‘past’. She looked up at him, his eyes spoke curious honesty.  
“Because he would have followed me. _Semper fidelis_. Always...”  
  
The young mercenary didn’t know what the strange-sounding words meant, but he definitely understood what she meant.  
  
“Don’t you think he’ll search for you?”  
“I bet he does. We talked a lot after Far Harbor. One day he swore me that he’d come with me if I ever had the intention to leave. Hell, I don’t even know if that would have been what I wanted. The Brotherhood is Danse’s life, RJ. He can’t just leave them just because of me, you know?! He just can’t! And I dare to say that my sorry ass would be worth doing such a stupid thing..!”  
  
She took a deep breath, trying to get a better composure and collect herself... She failed. New tears escaped her eyes and she almost frantically tried to wipe them away. Her body trembled.  
  
“And here I sit, thinking that all those endless conversations with him helped me. I tried to tell myself that. I can’t, I just can’t...”  
  
Her eyes scanned the room for something sharp.  
  
___  
  
  
The night was short, he woke up with a groan as he sat up. The bedframe underneath him creaked when he stood up, joints popping while he stretched his body. He was damp. Cold sweat still lingered on his skin, making his clothes stick to him and plaster his hair to his forehead. There never was a morning without him being covered in sweat after a nightmarish night. But this time it was one of his worse days. He wasn’t able to remember what he dreamt about, but the shiver that ran across his body told him that it must have been terrifying. _I should have packed some_ _extra clothes_ _, damnit..!_ he thought as he ran a hand through his hair. He walked to the sink, turned it on, and splashed his face with cold water. The man in the mirror in front of him looked ragged, old even. Fine lines were visible at the sides of his eyes and his forehead. He frowned at himself just to look away when he saw how deep the lines had gotten now. At least his hair wasn’t that much of a mess...  
  
He left the room, placed the key on the counter, and left the Inn, making his way to Homeplate. It was a grey day, the sky covered in clouds, promising rain. He was thinking of calling a vertibird but decided against it in the last moment. The hike back to Cambridge would clear his mind. The Charles River crawled with mirelurks today. Danse knew why he packed more ammo than usual when doing cleansing missions. There wasn’t a dull moment when traveling alone. He was on alert all the time and ducked at every whistle of the wind in the grass. The rustling of dead leaves set him on edge. And that motherfucking clicking of the mirelurks! His nerves were irritated without an end anyway, and he snapped. He screamed and alerted each and every mirelurk around him, ready to kill one by one with his trusted laser rifle. The crabs hissed and tried to claw at him but his power armor protected him from the meanest attacks. One was attacking him with risen claws and he took the challenge. Danse ran towards the creature screaming _‘AD VICTORIAM!’_ as he ripped out its face. A deafening screech filled the air and then everything went quiet. He stood there panting, the mirelurk’s face still in his hand, a bloody mess around him. He was lucky not to run into a Queen. After his breathing had steadied he continued his march back to Cambridge. It felt good doing the Commonwealth a service by eradicating giant mutated crabs. He had a grim look at him as he marched up north-west to his destination, rain had come. Why didn’t he take his helmet with him? He’d be soaked in no time if the rain decided to grow into a roaring thunderstorm.  
  
Two hours later the sky was a wild grey mass, it was dark and of course, the rain had become a full-blown storm. Danse’s mood couldn’t be worse than this. He could feel how the water that collected in his hair dripped down his spine and into his face. At least his brothers and sisters at the police station’s compound kept quiet about his condition. They politely saluted him as he walked past them and into the station. He placed his power armor at its destined location, in the garage where a power armor station awaited him. It was time to look at the damage the mirelurks had made. Before he stepped out he felt his hand gauntlet hand clenched around something and he looked down. He still carried the face of the ‘lurk he killed last. He turned around and walked back into the main room. He found his target and threw the dead flesh into Rhys’ face with the words “You’re going to move your lazy ass yourself now, Knight. That’s an order!” and then walked back to finally store his power armor. It didn’t look as bad as he thought, he could repair it back on the Prydwen, or back at Kathryn’s home.  
  
Oh Kathryn...  
  
___  
  
“Kathryn, what do you think you are doing here?!”  
  
She blinked. She held her knife in one hand, pressing it against the wrist of her other hand, a fine line of crimson already trickling down on her skin. She was shaking madly now, looking down at her wrist and then it dawned on her. She looked back at MacCready pleading “Help me...” He slowly closed the distance and gently took away her knife. He inspected the wound on her wrist and exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. She just pricked the skin a bit, not even worth a stimpak. He put around a bandage anyway and hoped it would prevent another try of self-harm. MacCready’s heart sank at the bad state Kathryn was in, he sighed. “I know it must have been hard to do what you have done, but angel, that’s no reason for suicide.”, he said to her as he held her at her shoulders and squeezed them. Her knees buckled and she threw herself in RJ’s arms crying so loud he thought that the other patrons could hear her. It didn’t take long until Magnolia strode into the room and asked what the problem was. When she saw the scene in front of her all anger flew away. She knew Kathryn, and the two women shared a common interest in music. “Oh honey don’t you cry.”, said the singer as she also took Kathryn in an embrace. “MacCready sweetheart, please bring her to my room in the Rexford.” The mercenary nodded and gently ushered the crying woman in his arms out of the bar. Several patrons were looking at them, MacCready didn’t care. His only sorrow was the well-being of his friend.  
  
After he closed the door MacCready sat Kathryn down at the bed where she rolled into a ball and wept. He never thought that someone as strong as she would break and end as a pile of crying emotions. Gladly Magnolia had some special rights in the hotel and her room was equipped with water and food. MacCready sighed in relief, he didn’t want to leave an unstable Kathryn because he was hungry. And the singer told him to feel at home as long as it was necessary. He sat next to her, feeling how the mattress from the bed shook underneath her shaking body. He wanted to get up and pour himself something to drink but Kathryn suddenly tucked at his duster, signaling him to stay. He looked at her and sighed. He crawled around her onto the bed and before he was able to settle down she clung to him like a child would cling to its mother. He gently draped an arm around her and she snuggled her head between his chin and neck and pressed her body to his. MacCready felt awkward, he never was good in comforting others while they suffered, but it seemed like Kathryn’s crying subsided and she eventually fell asleep.  
  
___  
  
Weeks had passed and Paladin Danse now became restless at the police station. He took every night shift, stayed awake for days, just to avoid the upcoming nightmares which haunted him at night. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her. She was dead and he always was too late to prevent it. Did she kill herself or did she get killed, he couldn’t tell. She only laid in a puddle of blood, her blue eyes distant and empty. It scared him. He didn’t want to see it, the image of her burned into his mind. Was she alive, or did he really fail to protect her? A sigh escaped his mouth.  
  
“Sir?” He looked up. Haylen stood in front of him, concern edged into her features.  
“Yes, Haylen?” His voice was raspy, he didn’t speak much, only nodded or grunted when someone asked him questions.  
“You should go and search for her. I can see that you feel terrible. I would do it too.”  
He looked at her, reasoning with himself if she was right. Of course, she was, he knew it the moment she spoke the words. He nodded and stood up.  
“Of course.”  
“Good luck Sir.”  
  
He grabbed his belongings, put on his power armor, and left the police station. He knew they’d have everything under control; they did so before he arrived and left them behind. His primary target was to find Kathryn, better sooner than later. He looked around, finally deciding to go and walk to Red Rocket where she hopefully was; just to find out that Kathryn wasn’t there. Maybe Dogmeat could help him... He called for the canine and soon he heard a bark and paws running on the broken street towards him. The barking grew louder and he stepped out of his power armor. Dogmeat leaped at him, giving Danse wet and sloppy dog kisses. The paladin smiled at the dog, he had missed him and ruffled his fur. “Hey Dogmeat, have you seen Kathryn?”, he asked the dog. Dogmeat whined and covered his nose with one of his paws. That wasn’t a good sign. “Maybe we can find her together then, huh?”, Danse then suggested to the dog which yipped in excitement. “Well then, let’s go.”  
  
___  
  
She didn’t move, never left the bed, or even the room, only if she needed to take a pee or a shit. She also didn’t speak a single word. MacCready was growing desperate about her state. He wanted to go out again, catch some breath or smoke a cigarette. But he was too afraid to leave her for just five minutes because he thought she might try and kill herself. His heart ached for her and it was more difficult for him to stay positive the longer they were holed up in this goddamn hotel. After weeks of staying inside, he finally snapped and dragged Kathryn outside. She looked at him like he betrayed her, it was hard for him to stay mad at her, but he knew if he didn’t take action they would never get out and enjoy life again. “It’s okay to be depressed Kathryn, but _you can’t stay inside all the time_! Get your damn shit together and move on!” His chest heaved as he looked at her, seeing how it finally dawned on her. “You’re right...”, she whispered. The sun shone at her and she could feel how the strength came back to her body. The warm rays filling her with new life and she smiled. MacCready’s anger washed away by the sight in front of him. He knelt down to Kathryn’s level and hugged her. “That’s my angel.”, he gently whispered. First, she stood on shaking legs but the more she moved the stronger she got on her feet. MacCready nodded at her, satisfied with his achievement and they both walked over to Daisy.  
  
“Hey you two sweethearts, I’m so glad to see you again.”, the Ghoul said and smiled.  
“Hi Daisy, it’s good to see you too.”, MacCready then answered. He ordered something to eat for them while Kathryn sat down at a table. The young mercenary wasn’t able to set down the plates properly and Kathryn was already wolfing down the food on her plate. First, he chuckled and then burst into laughter when she looked up at him, tiny bits of food sticking to her cheeks. “You’ve got something on your face.”, he then said while he gently picked the bits off her face. Kathryn then caressed his hand on her cheek with her own and looked at him. “Thank you for being there for me, Robert.”, she then said as she slowly began to stroke his hand and leaned into it with closed eyes and a smile. He blushed a little and said, “You’re welcome.”  
  
After they had eaten Kathryn wanted to leave Goodneighbor. She went to the Third Rail to go and thank Magnolia for her hospitality and gave the singer a big hug which she returned the same. “Goodbye honey, we’ll meet again.”, said Magnolia with a smile. They stepped out of the bar and made their way out of town, Kathryn already awaiting the fresh smell of seawater.  
“Alright, let’s go.”  
  
___  
  
Dogmeat was great at finding clues about Kathryn’s whereabouts and Danse had a little problem with following the dog around the wastes. Power armor just wasn’t good while sneaking around enemy territory and he often had to defend himself against feral ghouls, gunners, or raiders. Especially with the gunners, it was trouble. They had assaultrons that charged at him not only with their arms but also with the lasers on their faces. At least at such times, his power armor protected him, it always took the brunt of long-range attacks. After he left his foes behind Dogmeat led him to Med-Tek where the dog then scratched at the door. “Is she in there boy?”, he asked the dog. Dogmeat whined and looked at him. “Well, there’s only one way to find that out, hmm?”  
  
He opened the door and the stench of decay flooded the air vents in his suit. He coughed once and searched the building, Dogmeat at his heels. He came past dead ghouls and puddles of green plasma. She must have been here, maybe she _still_ was here... Danse kept searching throughout the building, making his way down to the sublevels. The stench of rotten flesh became more prominent down here and he saw more ghoul corpses lying around. He came to the small lab where the dead Glowing One laid. The Geiger counter on his suit gently began to tick and he retreated. A few minutes later he was outside again, pulling off his helmet and sighed. Dogmeat laid before him, head between his paws and huffed. Danse drank a can of water and then tossed it aside. Slowly he became anxious. _Why the hell was she in a place like this one? Was she alone, or worse injured?_ _Where was she..?_ Danse laid his head in his hands, suppressing that he cried out for her. It didn’t bring him closer to her if he’d lose his mind now. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then he put on his helmet again, shouldered his rifle, and began to walk. “Come on Dogmeat, maybe she’s still near. Let’s find her.” The canine jumped up and barked once and his nose immediately was on the ground, searching for a new trail of smell. He perked up, barked again, and began to walk south. “Good boy.”, Danse whispered more to himself as he followed the dog. A few hours later they stood in front of Goodneighbor, Danse looked up at the neon sign and sighed. “Of course she’s here... Where else would she go anyway?” Dogmeat stood beside him and nuzzled his metallic hand, and he then scratched the dog behind his ears. He opened the door and was greeted with the smell of urine. Gladly he wore his helmet and no one could see how he pulled a face. Dogmeat led him to a female ghoul who greeted the dog-like and old friend. Then she looked up at him. “Ah Paladin, what brings you to Goodneighbor?” Danse wanted to spit at her, that it wasn’t of her concern and that he’d kill her if she came in his way. But he remembered himself and said as politely as he could “I’m searching for a knight. You wouldn’t happen to see her here?” Daisy looked at him, first puzzled of what he meant, then it dawned on her. “You mean Kathryn, right? Well, she _was_ here.” Danse looked at her, not believing what his ears heard. “When and how long did she stay?”, he then asked. Daisy looked at him, suddenly a pained expression on her ghoulish face. “Several weeks. As far as I know, she wanted to kill herself. But gladly MacCready was there to prevent the worst case. They stayed at the hotel then. Last week they left Goodneighbor but I can’t tell you where they went. I’m sorry Paladin.” The Ghoul dropped her head. “Thank you for your assistance.”, Danse said. “Come on Dogmeat, let’s go.” Dogmeat huffed and trotted away at his side and they left Goodneighbor again without a concrete direction...  
  
___  
  
It was a week now that Kathryn and MacCready left Goodneighbor behind. No one knew where their next way would lead them. It was like they never did something else in their lives than traveling together and watch each other's backs. Kathryn only knew they walked west, she thought that MacCready would lead her back home, but for that, they would’ve needed to walk more north; she didn’t know his intentions but she also didn’t care, she was just glad that she wasn’t alone. Soon a bunker, and a metal shack with stairs in front of it, came into their view; Kathryn looked at the map on her Pip Boy and found out that this was the _Boston Mayoral Shelter_. They walked into the shack, three skeletons laid in a corner, on a table, and on the floor. A working terminal caught Kathryn’s attention and she walked over to it, the green screen telling her about a locked security door. She pressed the enter button and heard the hiss of an opening door in the bunker. “Got it.”, she mumbled to herself and smiled a little. “Come on, let’s get inside.”, she then said to MacCready, he followed her into the bunker. She needed to put on the light on her Pip Boy as they walked through the bunker. Soon it turned out it was huge and even had an underground basketball court.  
  
They looked around in silence and then MacCready said “We used to have a hoop setup in Little Lamplight until Eclair broke the darn thing.” Kathryn jumped at this, she was lost in her own thoughts and she found herself in front of a broken wall, a tunnel leading away from the basketball court. She moved slowly, a chill running down her spine. “I don’t like this a single bit.”, she whispered as she moved along. The smell of rotting flesh hit her nostrils and she gagged, just before she noticed the dead brahmin that laid on the ground. “Oh... shit...” It was all she could say before the deathclaw jumped down from the ceiling and in front of her. She screamed like a banshee and turned around running away from the monster. “DEATHCLAW!”, she screamed as she ran past MacCready who looked dumbstruck at her. As the ground shook he finally found his ability to run again and ran after her, up a flight of stairs and into a tunnel. Both kept running and didn’t hear the robotic voices in front of them. Synths, _fuck_! The duo slithered to a halt and aimed their weapons at the robots, laser beams crossed paths with plasma cells and bullets. They dodged the laser fire and steadily began to march forward, the synths standing no chance against Kathryn’s _Protector_ , melting them into puddles of plasma. “We need to get out of here!”, Kathryn pressed out between her teeth while she walked deeper into the tunnel. MacCready agreed with her and moved on. More synths crossed their path and they killed them swiftly, at least they knew they were on the right track to getting out of that hell hole. And then they came into a room which both recognized from before. “Come on, we’re almost out.”, said Kathryn. They tried to be as quiet as possible, avoiding the robots that still lingered somewhere near their position. Finally, the exit door came into view, yet again guarded by synths.  
  
“Engaging hostiles.”, one of the synths said. “Yeah, fuck you too!”, spat Kathryn and opened fire. “Watch out!”, screamed MacCready but it was too late. One of the synths wielding a shock baton caught her on the right side and she screamed. Her whole body shook through the electric impulse that pricked at her skin and she struggled to keep up her rifle. Somehow she managed to hit the synth with the baton anyway, and it staggered back, only to get shot with the hot green plasma of _Protector_. MacCready on the other hand killed he last remaining synth with a laser rifle in hand.  
  
“Can you walk?”, he asked her as he moved over to her position to help her up.  
“Yeah I think.”, she answered, a hand clasped on her side and hissing in pain.  
“Alright then, let’s move out.”  
“Let’s move.”  
  
Minutes later they found themselves at the Greater Mass Blood Clinic, trying to catch their breath and to check on Kathryn’s injury; only to find the place crawling with bloodbugs and bloatflies. This time Kathryn decided to use her _Disciples Cutlass_ to kill the critters, she didn’t want to waste her ammo on them. It was a bad idea. The first blood bug that attacked her hit her with its proboscis, just where the synth hit her with its baton, crying out in pain. Blood seeped out of the wound attracting more of the bugs. “FUCK!”, Kathryn cried out, trying to stand and defend herself. MacCready stood beside her, rifle aimed at the bugs and bloatflies. He tried to shield Kathryn from the flies and the maggots they shot at their targets. Soon the bugs were dead, and the duo exhausted by the current events. Kathryn leaned against a wall, gripping at her side; clothes already red with her blood. MacCready ushered her to sit down and let him examine the wound. She sighed and slowly slid down in a sitting position, right leg stretched out. She lifted her shirt to look at the wound herself. “I need to clean this.”, said MacCready. Kathryn only nodded and moaned. To both their luck they were at a clinic, stimpaks and other medical supplies close at hand. When the young man had gathered everything he needed he knelt down beside Kathryn and prepared a piece of cloth with some antiseptic liquid. “I’m sorry but this’ll gonna hurt.”, he then said. “Just do it.”  
  
The scream that rang through the air made the birds around them fly away in panic, the echo reverberating at the walls surrounding them. She almost passed out before the young mercenary was able to administer a stimpak next to the injury and bandaging it. He sighed after he finished his work on Kathryn. “Man I could really use a cigarette right now.”, he muttered to himself while checking his pockets for a pack of the tobacco sticks. It didn’t take him long until he found them and happily lit one with a flip lighter. He sat down next to Kathryn and she immediately laid her head on his shoulder. “Thank you...”, she mumbled with her eyes closed. Her hand was resting in her lap and MacCready took it in his, intertwining their fingers and gently squeezed her hand then. “Anytime, angel.”, he whispered.  
  
___  
  
He wanted to give up, but also not. It was difficult. Dogmeat found another trail of the missing knight but also lost it after a few miles of walking through the nothings of the wasteland. He stood before a bunker in the west of the Commonwealth, eyeing it with caution. His guts told him that something must have happened here. Dogmeat sniffed the ground and came to a halt inside the bunker where he barked. The paladin walked over to find the door inside standing open, the fresh smell of ozone hitting the filters of his helmet. Without thinking he went inside with fast steps, searching for any clues that might help him in his mission: Find Kathryn and bring her home safely.  
  
The deeper he got, the louder grew the rumbling he heard, and soon he also heard the firing of energy weapons. He hurried down, deeper into the bunker wondering _why would politicians need a sporting arena? It makes no sense..._ then he saw what caused all that ruckus. A deathclaw surrounded by synths. He tried to back away silently but failed. All the attention was on him now and he had to defend himself against the synths _and_ the deathclaw. Gladly he wasn’t far away from the aisle he just came out from; he turned around and ran as fast as his power armor was able to, ran back out of the bunker, and skidded to a halt right in front of it. He forgot Dogmeat and turned around, opened the door, and called for the dog to come to him. To his luck, the German Shepherd wasn’t far away and came running towards him and out of the door which Danse slammed shut immediately.  
  
Before he was able to catch his breath, Danse had to run after his furry companion; Dogmeat found a new trace and ran after it. The canine was too fast for him, and soon he lost track of Dogmeat just to hear him bark a few moments later. Danse followed the yips and whines and discovered a building that laid in ruins, looking like a former hospital or something similar. Dogmeat’s whines came from the inside and then he heard voices. Danse tightened the grip on his rifle, prepared to shoot on sight until he heard it. It was a faint sound but he knew it immediately: Kathryn!  
  
Before he took his first step he halted again. There was someone else with her... He knew that voice too but couldn’t get a grip on it. Dogmeat barked again and he heard her laugh, but something was wrong; he could hear it in the way she laughed. His heart raced as he finally took the first step into her direction, trying to swallow the lump that formed in his throat. _What would she say if she saw him? Would she be angry or even relieved?_ He didn’t know, but he knew to find out he had to meet her eye to eye.  
  
“Ow Dogmeat, that hurt!”, she said to the dog. Danse could hear him whine again before the dog huffed. “But don’t worry, Boy. It’s not your fault.”, she then cooed. _She was injured!_ That was enough for him to finally step around the corner and reveal himself. “Danse!”, Kathryn called out. “What are you doing here?”, she asked. “Probably saving your life, Knight.”, he answered coolly. _Woah, that wasn’t the greeting I wished for..._ she thought.  
  
Her gaze dropped and she sniffled. MacCready still sat beside her, his hand still intertwined with hers, and not knowing what he should do now. So he kept quiet; he knew that those two had a lot to talk about now and that he was just a bystander. It was then that Danse finally looked at him, it made him flinch and he almost jumped at the anger he saw in the other man’s eyes.  
  
“I’m calling a vertibird and you will come with me, that’s an order.”  
“What, you’re pulling your rank on me now?!”  
“You’re clearly injured and need medical help.”  
“I don’t care about that. MacCready already treated me, you know?”  
“Then we have to move _now_! I don’t trust him with your safety.”  
“Wow... Just wow... I can’t believe what you’re saying.”  
“I don’t want to argue with you, so would you _please_ let me get you to Cade?”  
“No! I don’t want to go back!” _At least not yet..._  
  
That stung. Danse’s whole posture slumped and he sighed in defeat. “Alright, you win. But don’t come to me and whine when this wound of yours gets infected!” With these words, he turned around and left. “Fuck... What have I done?” Kathryn began to cry again, this time so loud that Danse heard it on the street he was walking on. His heart broke over her crying and he wanted to turn around and walk back to carry her away on his arms. But he saw that she was holding hands with that... that... _insubordinate civilian_! He knew that it didn’t have to mean anything. But when he looked back into the past his jealousy got the better part of him, so he kept walking and walking to a destination he didn’t know yet. His own tears hidden behind a shadow of glass and steel as he marched on into the unknown. He even considered to go to Far Harbor and see how the outpost at Acadia was doing, he just needed to ask the elder for his permission.  
  
As Danse’s silhouette became smaller by the second MacCready tried to calm the crying Kathryn down. _And he thought she was difficult in Goodneighbor..._ God was he wrong. He had to be very cautious with her now. He at least took away her blade and hoped that she wouldn’t carry another one. “Come on, let’s get you home. Where do you wanna go? Goodneighbor, Diamond City or Red Rocket?”, he asked her gently. She didn’t even need to look on her map to say where she wanted to be. “The truck stop”, she mumbled. “Alright, then let’s go and get you away from here.” She nodded and stood up. They didn’t speak a single word on their way into the north. Dogmeat trotted behind them, tired and sad; he didn’t even try and chase the bloatflies in the fields, but just let out a doggie sigh and moved on.  
  
While Kathryn’s mind was blank now, MacCready didn’t know what to think or feel, or even act. He never encountered such a situation, not even when Lucy was still alive; he just knew that he missed her now more than ever. His feelings for Kathryn were long forgotten and he knew it was just a teenage crush for her because she was the only one who cared about him... in a way, only a friend could care for someone, and not like a lover. First, he was crying when he last saw her, walking away from her home after she told him goodbye. He never thought to meet her ever again and soon his feelings subsided; he scolded himself for being so foolish a long time. But he moved on and it felt good. He still had the memories of his late wife and soon he would have new happy memories of him and his son. Maybe he should leave the Commonwealth and go back to him? It would be the best choice anyway...  
  
___  
  
Danse was already at the coast, he just kept walking day and night, not thinking about enemies or to eat, or even lay down and sleep. He knew that if he would go to sleep he would never want to wake up again. Why did he have to say the things he said? _I’m such a fool!_ He thought about himself. _I should have talked with her first. She would have agreed, seeing reason behind my words. She knew I was right, damnit!_ He kicked at a log and swore loudly while doing so. It didn’t take him long and the piece of wood was scattering across the street he left a minute before; he swore even more now that his foot hurt. “It just doesn’t make sense anymore...”, he sighed. He didn’t know what time of the day it was or what day it was in general, he was so lost in his head until he realized something. _If I go now I won’t be better than her. I_ need _to stay! To tell her that she’s selfish. That it hurt when she left me without even saying goodbye, or giving me a reason_ not _to search for her! For Christs' sake, that she means more to me than she could ever know!_  
  
“FUCK YOU!!”, he screamed from the top of his lungs as he turned around and ran back, he knew where she would be.  
  
___  
  
Five hours had passed until MacCready finally was able to settle her down into her very own bed. Dogmeat already ran around the compound, throwing himself into the dry grass and rolling around. When he was done he settled down with his human and yawned. “Is there anything I can do for you?”, The young man asked into the silence. Kathryn only shook her head. “No, but please feel free to stay as long as you want. I don’t want to be alone.” _Maybe I can stay for a while_ thought MacCready and agreed. He found the shower by himself and took his sweet time to get himself cleaned _although_ he hated getting wet. But after all the straining situations he was in he very much needed it. He also thought of washing his clothes and wasn’t surprised when he found a working washing machine here. “Hey, uhm, Kathryn? Do you have some spare clothes for me, maybe?”, he called for her. He heard her shuffling and she walked over to him with a pile of fresh clothes in her hands. “Thanks, angel.”, he said to her with a smile. She smiled back and his grew even wider. When he returned Kathryn was cooking and it smelled amazing. He wanted to ask her what she cooked but then she gave him a steaming plate already, filled with fresh grilled vegetables and meat. He thanked her again and began to dig into his plate, a pink tint rising on his cheeks over a hot and delicious meal. “That’s so delicious.”, he said between two bites. Kathryn chuckled. “Danse would say that too-”, she immediately stopped talking, lowering her fork on a still full plate. “I’m sorry.”, she choked out almost standing up and wanting to run away. “Hey, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault that he’s an asshole.” Kathryn looked at MacCready like he was a ghost and swallowed. He saw how much she struggled with herself, to keep her composure and not to burst into tears again. “Sit down, angel, eat something and you will feel better. Can you do that for me?” Kathryn nodded and sat back down, her hand shaking as she took her fork again. After eating the first bite she couldn’t stop eating, and she admitted that RJ was right. She really felt better now and smiled at him. “I’m proud of you.”, he said with a wink and she blushed. It made him feel better too and they spent a peaceful evening together. Dogmeat was sound asleep on Kathryn’s bed and his feet moved while he was chasing bloatflies in his dream. It was an adorable sight and Kathryn even laughed, startling MacCready with her joyous outburst.  
  
___  
  
Could he trust his ears? He was running and running and now he stood there, right in front of the Red Rocket Truck Stop and he heard laughter, _her laughter._ Maybe she really had it better without him around her. Or maybe it was just a facade she put on and secretly she was suffering like he suffered. It took him two days to come back, maybe she had already forgotten him since that MacCready guy was with her, he wouldn’t even wonder about it. Again the only way to find out was to talk to her _for real this time_. He steeled himself for the upcoming task and finally opened the door to the truck stop. Loud music greeted him and he could hear her singing along with it. Well, at least she finally felt better... He shrugged and took another two steps before he was greeted with a loud bark and a wet tongue across his face. That dog just knew how to make him smile, _and_ destroy the moment of surprise... ugh. He ruffled Dogmeat’s fur and cooed at him and to his surprise Kathryn stood there, arms crossed at her chest and grinning at him. “Someone missed you.”, she then said. Dogmeat threw himself on his back, tongue lolling out of his mouth and his tail wagged faster than the rotors of a vertibird. Just as Kathryn wanted to pet him Danse did the same and they brushed each other's hand, both flushed a light pink on their cheeks. But it was Kathryn who put her hand away. “Come on, it’s your turn. And I think he wants to be petted by you.”, she then said and went back into the garage to turn down the radio’s volume.  
  
“Hey turn that up again!”, yelled MacCready from somewhere inside the truck stop.  
“Nope, no can do, sorry RJ.”, she called back.  
“What why?”, he then yelled back.  
  
Before she was able to answer the young man stood between her and Danse, creating a very uncomfortable silence between the three of them.  
  
“Alright”, he then said in a normal voice “guess it’s time that I go now.” And he walked away and rummaged in the garage. A few minutes later he came back with his belongings. “Bye Kathryn, it was nice to see you again.”, he said and already was on his way out. “MacCready, wait.”, Kathryn said and pulled him into a tight embrace. “Thank you for everything.”, she then said before she let go of him again. “See you again.” And with those words she smiled at him, waving another goodbye before MacCready waved back and turned around, and soon he was gone.  
  
“Well...”, Kathryn then said “Since you are already here I don’t have to tell you to come in. Please, sit down.” Danse did what he was told, stepped out of his power armor, and sat down in the middle of the garage; Kathryn settling down in front of him, blue eyes fixated on his brown ones.  
  
“How are you?”, she asked after a while.  
“I’m fine.”, Danse lied.  
“Liar.”  
“Talk about yourself.”  
  
She chuckled.  
  
“You got a point there.”  
“I know that I do.”, he said. “Honestly, Kathryn, how are you?”  
“I’m okay, really.”  
“Please, don’t lie to me-”  
“It’s the truth. Believe me.  
  
It could have gone on and on and on...  
  
One look from Danse was enough for her to spill out what she had done in the past weeks. The grumpy face of Danse quickly changed into one of concern and then into one of relief.  
  
“I’m glad he was there for you.”, he had to admit.  
“Me too.”, Kathryn gave back.  
“That Ghoul, Daisy, she told me about what happened in Goodneighbor. Kathryn, I was so worried about you. I thought I would be too late, that you had died somewhere... And I was too late to protect you.”  
  
Ashamed of himself he looked away, not strong enough to hold a thing against her blue stare. Hurt had crept into her gaze, which was the reason he looked away. He hated to see her hurt, cause it hurt him too.  
  
“Is there any chance you’ll come back with me?”, he then asked, the desperation very much audible in his voice. She looked at him, tears filled her eyes as she shook her head.  
“I’m sorry Danse, but I can’t, not now. The same would happen again. I would have to do something I can’t do, that I’d try to kill myself. I don’t want that. I want to live Danse!” She was getting louder with every word she said.  
“Damnit, I _hate_ myself for what I have done! I know we talked, and it felt damn good to talk about it, and I really wished it would make things easier... But it didn’t! Can’t you see why I left, or are you so ignorant to the fact that I have become a monster!?” She screamed now, tears of anger rolling down her cheeks. She jumped up, hands shooting up to her head and she wanted to tuck her hair so hard that her hair would be pried off of her skull. Danse was quick to jump up too and grabbing both of her hands and holding them in his own.  
  
“Stop screaming at me and listen.” He didn’t raise his voice, in fact, he almost whispered. Even he himself wondered how he was able to calm her down that much that she was listening to him.  
“You are no monster to me. You just did what the Brotherhood had taught you. Remember what you had said to me when I told you about Cutler’s fate?”  
“You did what the Brotherhood had taught you...”, she whispered.  
“Correct. I felt guilty for a long time, and hell I’d be lying if I would say that feeling is gone. It just fades into the back of your head until you almost forget it. Just to come back at night to haunt you for the rest of your life!” Kathryn considered his words and finally nodded.  
“I can help you let go of the dread inside you, but you need to accept my help, to _want_ it. Until then nothing can help you, not even Cade and his counseling! You taught me that, and since you came into my life it changed for the good. Don’t _you_ understand that you are needed too?! You fucking broke my heart just disappearing into thin air, _not even telling me goodbye?!_ ”  
  
Kathryn couldn’t stand when someone else was crying, it made her cry even more. And by the love of steel, it hurt so much to see Danse crying. He was always so strong, like a rock in the surge, nothing could have shaken him and now he was standing here, crying as he poured out his heart to her. “I’m so so sorry!”, she cried out as she threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly to her body like she’d never let him go. He returned the tight embrace. Almost crushing Kathryn under his steel grip. “Danse...”, she said muffled by the fabric of his jumpsuit. “You’re crushing meee...” He immediately loosened the grip around her and apologized. At least now both had stopped crying and shyly smiled at each other.  
  
“You smell and _reeeaaally_ should take a shower.”, Kathryn began to tease him. He took it on the light shoulder, took a breeze of his own odor, and pulled a face before he said that she was right. While he was taking the longest shower in his whole life Kathryn prepared something to eat, the smell wafting into the bathroom where a very hungry stomach grumbled. Out came a clean Paladin, dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, a trimmed beard caressing his cheeks, his hair still a bit damp hung into his face. Kathryn blushed hard when she spotted him, feeling like a teenager again. It was at that moment that she remembered how terribly she had missed him.  
  
They sat down and ate in comfortable silence, only the radio played in the background mixed with the soft snoring of Dogmeat. He stayed with Kathryn most of the time lately and only left her when he had to release himself. He always trotted back to her side, laid down, and huffed. Kathryn loved the dog’s affection and she gave it back to him all the same. After they had eaten Kathryn took the opportunity and hugged Danse.  
  
“I missed you so much.”  
“I missed you too.”  
“You did?”  
“Yeah...”  
  
That was when he cupped her face in his hands and threw all the caution into the wind.  
  
“Fuck it!”, he swore. She looked at him not knowing what to respond to that until he kept speaking.  
“I love you.” Before she was able to say a single word Danse pressed his lips to hers. She didn’t need to say a word when she returned the kiss in kind and send a sigh into it, she said it anyway right after they broke the kiss.  
“Fuck it, I love you too.”  
  
___  
  
The pair sat down on the red couch finally talking about the past weeks, what both had experienced at the time. Kathryn’s eyes glistened with tears.  
“I knew you’d come after me. But I didn’t believe it until you stood before me.”  
To that Danse chuckled and shook his head.  
“You should know me better by now. I would _never_ let you alone, no matter the circumstances.”  
Kathryn sighed in relief and wiped away the tears.  
  
Danse and Kathryn took their sweet time together, enjoying the togetherness at the Red Rocket Truck Stop, only Dogmeat was with them. Kathryn was able to persuade Danse that there was nothing between her and MacCready. She also told him that the mercenary just had a crush and that his feelings for her subsided rather fast. The past weeks she and the young man had spent together was just that what both needed right at the moment. Danse admired Kathryn for her selflessness to help RJ to cure his son. The paladin didn’t even know that the merc was a father until Kathryn had told him since then he saw the young man in a new light. Danse _had insisted_ to overlook her injury and was amazed by the good work MacCready had done. No scar tissue was left, no infection, or whatever side effects the sting from a blood bug could bring with it. He was indeed pleased with it, not even Cade would have done it better.  
  
It was a long talk and spread over the time span of several days. And when the last word finally was said both sighed in relief and slumped into the soft cushions of the couch. Kathryn snuggled up against Danse and enjoyed the silence. Her mouth felt so dry and she really was thirsty but this moment was too precious to just let it slip away. She’d rather dehydrate than leave Danse’s side again...  
  
___  
  
“I think I want to go back.”  
“What? To where?”  
“The Prydwen”  
  
A shrug. She wanted to go back?  
  
“How about you Danse?”  
“Oh... Uh, honestly, I didn’t think that you would ever say that. Especially, after all, that’s happened.” Was _he_ ready to leave and return to his elder?  
“Wow, the fierce Paladin Danse doesn’t know what he wants? Now that’s a first time!”  
  
She was back at her teasing self. Danse sure liked that, but it wasn’t the right moment to tease him like that. He really didn’t know if he already wanted to leave his very own personal paradise behind to be a soldier again. But on the other hand... He promised her to follow her no matter where she was going. “Well, if you want to return to the Prydwen I won’t hinder you.” _That sounded worse than I thought_ Kathryn thought. He wasn’t ready. “Ah, I think we can wait for another few days, what do you mean?” Now he smiled, and Kathryn smiled too. "How about we change into the bedroom before we fall asleep here, huh?”, she then suggested. Danse’s face turned beet red but she didn’t hear him say no. “Well then, it’s settled. Follow me, Paladin. That’s an order.”, she said as she tucked at his hand and laughed.  
  
 _Ad Victoriam!_  
  
“Oh no. you didn’t just say that, did you?!”  
“Well, yes I did.”  
“Danse!”  
“What?”  
“Fuck it! I love you!”  
“Fuck it, I love you too!”  
  
___  
  
Back at the Prydwen stood a very relieved elder at his command deck, a certain knight and paladin in front him; both greeting him with their right fists above their hearts and a crisp _“Ad Victoriam, Elder!”_  
  
All three of them wore smiles on their faces. The young elder even took it so far to embrace Kathryn and tell her that it was good to see her again. She responded in kind and hugged him and chuckled as she saw Danse’s dropped jaw. “Did I miss something?”, he then asked. Kathryn and the elder just laughed. “No need to worry my friend. I’m just happy to see you both again.”  
“And we are happy to be back. But Elder, Sir, we have to tell you something...”  
“What is it?”, Maxson asked, his smile already faltering; he probably thought that Kathryn only came back to tell him she would leave the Brotherhood completely.  
“Don’t worry, Sir, it’s nothing tragic.”, said Kathryn then.  
“Spill it, Knight.”  
“Alright, alright. Weeeell... It seems like Danse and I are a thing now. And we want your permission to make it official. Sooo... Permission granted to have a relationship?”  
  
Silence. Deafening silence. _Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell him..._ Kathryn then thought. She got proven wrong. He smiled. Elder Maxson _smiled!_  
  
“Permission granted. I hope one day you’ll make sure the Brotherhood won’t die out. Ad Victoriam!”  
  
 _Ad Victoriam._


	2. Not a chapter

I thought that song is so fitting. I also listened to it most of the time I wrote this story.

Aaand I reeeaaallyyy wanted to share it with you.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza968i3Gh4>

What do you sweet folks think about it. Let me know in the comments if you want :-)

Thanks and stay safe out there.

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty folks, I pulled an all-nighter for that one. Hope you like it, if not, well, pray to steel xD  
> No really, enjoy your read.  
> And thank you to everyone who left their kudos so far. Who subbed to me, I still can't believe it and I'm very grateful for it.
> 
> You're just the best and I love you all <3


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